View Full Version : What are your favorite jokes?
EyelessHorizon
10-02-2011, 07:59 AM
Title says it all. :-l
Krauser
10-02-2011, 08:34 AM
What a stupid thread T_T Like a this Zen riddle: "What is so cool its hot, when its so hot its cool?"
EyelessHorizon
10-02-2011, 07:30 PM
What a stupid thread T_T Like a this Zen riddle: "What is so cool its hot, when its so hot its cool?"
Uh... Dry ice? And yes, this is a stupid thread. I just wanted to hear some jokes. lol
Krauser
10-03-2011, 10:50 AM
Uh... Dry ice? And yes, this is a stupid thread. I just wanted to hear some jokes. lol
Duh! POP TARTS :D U have been Nyan-ed
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QH2-TGUlwu4
Swiftus
10-03-2011, 11:08 AM
Not for kids!
A man sees a fine looking woman at a bar. He steps over to her an says, "Hey baby, let me suck on your nipples."
She says, "Watch it buddy, I'll have my boyfriend kick your ass."
He laughs and says, "Alright, why don't I just give you a big sloppy kiss then."
She says, "Listen, if you say one more thing to me, I will have my man kill you."
"This is my final offer", he says, "I'll hold you upside-down, pour beer into your pussy, and drink from it."
She gets up, walks over to her boyfriend, tells him this guy said he was going to lick her tits.
He yells, "I'll kill him!"
She then tells him he was going to kiss her. By now he's pissed and starts walking in his direction.
She says, "Wait! He also said he would hang me by my ankles, pour beer down my twat, and drink from me!"
Her boy friend stops and say's "Sorry babe, I can't fuck with anyone who can drink that much beer".
lickerout
10-03-2011, 01:17 PM
this one:
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses.
He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?".
The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.
"There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?".
or maybe this one:
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!"
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming.
She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"
The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."
or try this one:
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping.
They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep.
Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson upand said: "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see."
Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars."
Holmes said: "And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson replied: "Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life."
And Holmes said: "Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent."
Countryboy
10-03-2011, 04:08 PM
oh i got the perfect joke you would like to know what it is yes? Well my joke is theyre making a new modio....BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA FAIL
Kotsuyen
03-13-2012, 11:03 AM
So a man walks into a bar with a giraffe in tow. He sits down to get his drink and the bar tender gives him a funny look asking, "What can I get you?"
The man orders and simple scotch and gets about half way through it when the giraffe suddenly falls over dead. Everyone stops and seems shocked for a moment until the man promptly finishes his drink and pays the tender. He gets up and is about half way out of the bar when the bartender finally shouts, "You can't leave that lyin' there"
The man simply stops, turns, and replies. "That's not a lion, it's a giraffe!"
EuphemiaPolly
03-20-2012, 07:14 AM
There are two muffins in an oven, one muffin says, "wow, it's really hot in here!" the other muffin says, "holy crap! a talking muffin!!!"... This is one of my favorite jokes.
In no way my favourite but heres a joke.
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?
I don't have a favourite joke....
Paprika
03-21-2012, 08:49 AM
In no way my favourite but heres a joke.
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?
I don't have a favourite joke....
Sounds Like hunting with Dick Cheney, sounds fun:)
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."
She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
CloudStrife7x
03-29-2012, 02:30 AM
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."
She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
that is pretty funny lol
How are women and tornadoes alike?
They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.
Abd-L-Azeez
03-29-2012, 02:49 AM
A Pharmacist joke
Me: “Can I help you?”
Customer: “Yes, I need some dish bags.”
(Unaware of what dish bags are, I assume she means dish rags.)
Me: “I’m not sure what that is and if we carry it. I would look in the cleaning section.”
Customer: “Well, my doctor said I could get it here.”
Me: “Okay, well I would check that aisle.”
(The customer leaves and returns after a couple minutes.)
Customer: “I didn’t find them!”
Me: “Can you tell me again what it is you need?”
Customer: “Dish bags.”
Me: “And you say your doctor told you to get them here?”
Customer: “Yes!”
Me: “Well, I’m sorry. I’ve never heard of dish bags and I don’t believe I’ve seen anything like that here.”
Customer: “Well, this is ridiculous! What am I going to do?”
Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, would you like me to ask our pharmacist about them?”
Customer: “Yes!”
(I go get the pharmacist to assist me.)
Pharmacist: “So, what is a dish bag used for?”
Customer: “Jeeze! You clean your lady parts with it!”
Abd-L-Azeez
03-29-2012, 02:53 AM
this one:
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping.
They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep.
Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson upand said: "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see."
Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars."
Holmes said: "And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson replied: "Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life."
And Holmes said: "Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent."
the best one yet !
Teacher: "Johnny, can you tell me the name of 3 great kings who have brought happiness and peace into people's lives?"
Little Johnny: Drin-king, smo-king, and fuc-king.
Abd-L-Azeez
03-29-2012, 03:02 AM
i remember this sens i was a kid
there was a guy with one hand only . he was about to kill him self when he watched a guy with no hands dancing ! he went to him and said " how do you do this ! how can you dance and you have no hands and i don't want to live any more because i have only one hand" . the guy replied " am not dancing you idiot ! my ass is etching like hell and i can't reach it !"
A little boy went up to his father and asked, "Dad, where did my intelligence come from?" The father replied, "Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine."
CloudStrife7x
03-29-2012, 03:10 AM
damn you two are like comedians joke after joke lol
Your girlfriend is ugly when...
(1) She looks out the window and gets arrested for indecent exposure.
(2) As a baby, she had to be breast-fed by the family dog.
(3) Even mosquitoes stay away from her.
(4) She startles the animals at the zoo.
(5) On Halloween, she has to trick or treat over the phone.
(6) She makes onions cry.
(7) Her ass looks like two pigs fighting over a box of milk duds.
(8) Her armpits look like she has Don King in a headlock.
(9) The plastic surgeon wanted to add a tail.
(10) When she was born, the doctor slapped her mother.
How are women and a pile of dog crap alike?
The older they get, the easier they are to pick up !!!!!!!!!!
FreeKillPsycho1337
03-29-2012, 05:47 AM
Why didn't the skeleton cross the street?
A: He didn't have the guts to do it.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Owls
Owls who?
Yes owls 'who'.
lickerout
04-02-2012, 10:19 PM
A blonde who got a fishing rod for her birthday decided to go ice fishing to make good use of her gift. Early the next morning, she got all her gear together and headed out to the ice.
When she reached her final destination, she cut a large hole in the ice and dipped the rod in. Then suddenly she heard a voice that said: "There are no fish in there".
So she moves to another spot and cuts another hole, but then the same voice spoke again and told her there were no fish in there.
So she moves again, and the voice tells her there are no fish in there. So she looks up and sees an irritated man staring down at her.
"How do you know there are no fish there?" asks the blonde.
So the man cooly says "Well first of all, this is a hockey rink, and second of all, you're going to have to pay for those holes."
Q. Where do you get virgin wool from?
A. Ugly sheep
You should always give 100% at work...
12% Monday; 23% Tuesday; 40% Wednesday; 20% Thursday; 5% Friday
Q. What is Osama bin Laden's idea of safe sex?
A. Marking the camels that kick.
Q. Why are women like condoms?
A. They spend 90% of their time in your wallet, and 10% on your dick.
A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts.
Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery."
The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"
"Just rub toilet paper between them."
Startled the lady asks, "How does that make them bigger?"
"I don't know, but it worked for your ass."
DonVito1337
04-03-2012, 04:34 AM
A guy is in a bus chillin when a smoking hot nun walks in. He tells the nun "damn girl u fine i need to fuck you". The nun replies "tee hee, my body is devoted to god so I cant have sex. So the guy gets rejected and he moves back to his seat. As the guy walk off the bus, the bus driver guy spoke to him. He said "Hey man that nun goes to confession at noon today at the church down the street. That will be your chance to make a move. All you have to do is dress as a preacher and mention that god ask you to fuck her and your in haha." The guy decided to give it a try. So noon came around and the guy went to church. He snuck in the back for some preacher robes and put them on, then he spotted the nun go in the confession room.So he went inside as well. There the guy told the nun "GOD told me to fuck you". The nun says "oh really father hmmm okay i guess, but because of my commitment to our lord, I must do anal". The guy thought about and said okay why not. so he went into her confession space and did her anal, Afterword they came out together and the guy showed his face and said "SURPRISE im the guy off the bus". The nun said "SURPRISE im the bus driver haha".
hivmunky
04-26-2012, 05:11 PM
What's green and smells like pork? Kermit the frogs finger ;)
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